darren mackenna. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
swerve) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
shifted_logs2014-10-23 10:34 pm
swerve) wrote in shifted_logs2014-10-23 10:34 pm
➤ i'm having my doubts.
who; eithan and darren
what; shadows. shadows everywhere.
when; presently.
where; some … where … on the plane. i don't know and i don't care because that isn't exactly the biggest point. |D
warnings; violence. lots of violence. and other triggery things.
( it's almost like he's watching a movie of someone else's life, on the outside looking in, completely displaced from the situation. he wishes he were watching a movie of someone else's life, if only because it would mean that the thing standing in front of him spilling every single one of the secrets he's always been ashamed of for anyone to hear wasn't real, or at the very least, as easily muted as with the push of a button on the remote control.
you try so hard to play at being happy, me. you try so hard, because you're the only one trying at all, and isn't that funny? it is, because you never have been. no matter how much you try to convince yourself that it's okay to be alone, that it doesn't matter because you don't need anybody else on your side – aw, it hurts, doesn't it? not being good enough to even have your own family stay with you?
no, he tries to say, golden eyes that very nearly mirror the shade of yellow boasted by the form in front of him going wide, mouth working to form the simplest of syllables and coming up short. no, i'm not playing at anything, i've worked so hard to get this far without him –
darren's shadow smirks like the edge of a knife, sharp and dangerous, and it rolls its shoulders in a gentle, easy motion that looks far too much like something he himself would have done. then why did he leave? and why have you been trying to convince yourself ever since that it wasn't your fault? you know it was.
he got tired of you. tired of playing big brother to somebody that couldn't even sleep in their own bed by themselves if there was a storm. followed him around everywhere when he didn't want you around – )
No! ( the word finally comes out, and it's barely more than a sob as he covers his face with his hands, vision blurring with tears that scald his cheeks as they fall from the corners of his eyes, his heart wrenching so hard in his chest that the ache of it almost brings him to his knees. ) I – I was good enough! He … he just …
( but that's as far as he gets. )
He's why you constantly validate your self-worth by how much people like you. It's why you try so hard to make them like you – just a lost little puppy, nipping at their heels, yap-yap-yapping and begging them to notice you.
That isn't –
Isn't what?
It isn't true! ( he takes a breath, shuddering and shivering and rattling against his ribs like dry branches knocking against one another in a passing wind, and in front of him, his shadow bends, leans in just a little closer. ) So, what does that mean?
It means you're a liar. You're – I don't – I'm not like that. I'm not.
( that smirk turns double-edged, a piece of razor wire splitting the shadow's face in two right down the middle. ) S'what I thought. Boy, have you got a lot to learn.
what; shadows. shadows everywhere.
when; presently.
where; some … where … on the plane. i don't know and i don't care because that isn't exactly the biggest point. |D
warnings; violence. lots of violence. and other triggery things.
( it's almost like he's watching a movie of someone else's life, on the outside looking in, completely displaced from the situation. he wishes he were watching a movie of someone else's life, if only because it would mean that the thing standing in front of him spilling every single one of the secrets he's always been ashamed of for anyone to hear wasn't real, or at the very least, as easily muted as with the push of a button on the remote control.
you try so hard to play at being happy, me. you try so hard, because you're the only one trying at all, and isn't that funny? it is, because you never have been. no matter how much you try to convince yourself that it's okay to be alone, that it doesn't matter because you don't need anybody else on your side – aw, it hurts, doesn't it? not being good enough to even have your own family stay with you?
no, he tries to say, golden eyes that very nearly mirror the shade of yellow boasted by the form in front of him going wide, mouth working to form the simplest of syllables and coming up short. no, i'm not playing at anything, i've worked so hard to get this far without him –
darren's shadow smirks like the edge of a knife, sharp and dangerous, and it rolls its shoulders in a gentle, easy motion that looks far too much like something he himself would have done. then why did he leave? and why have you been trying to convince yourself ever since that it wasn't your fault? you know it was.
he got tired of you. tired of playing big brother to somebody that couldn't even sleep in their own bed by themselves if there was a storm. followed him around everywhere when he didn't want you around – )
No! ( the word finally comes out, and it's barely more than a sob as he covers his face with his hands, vision blurring with tears that scald his cheeks as they fall from the corners of his eyes, his heart wrenching so hard in his chest that the ache of it almost brings him to his knees. ) I – I was good enough! He … he just …
( but that's as far as he gets. )
He's why you constantly validate your self-worth by how much people like you. It's why you try so hard to make them like you – just a lost little puppy, nipping at their heels, yap-yap-yapping and begging them to notice you.
That isn't –
Isn't what?
It isn't true! ( he takes a breath, shuddering and shivering and rattling against his ribs like dry branches knocking against one another in a passing wind, and in front of him, his shadow bends, leans in just a little closer. ) So, what does that mean?
It means you're a liar. You're – I don't – I'm not like that. I'm not.
( that smirk turns double-edged, a piece of razor wire splitting the shadow's face in two right down the middle. ) S'what I thought. Boy, have you got a lot to learn.
no subject
Darren!
[He calls out to him before he can even think twice about it, legs carrying him over to the spectacle seemingly of their own accord as he moves to stand beside him. He's watching the double, closely, trying to make sense of it all. He may have only heard a little of the exchange so far, but that combined with the dangerous, malevolent smile on the other's face is enough to have him completely on his guard.
His eyes are narrowed and his expression is fierce. Protective.]
Th' hell's this?
no subject
he hears eithan's voice before he sees him, but then the redhead is a sudden, solid presence at his side, and, unconsciously, he closes what little distance remains between them, almost pressing himself against the other's side just for some semblance of support. ( even though, on some deeper level, he knows that he would be there for him, no matter what he ended up needing. )
meanwhile, the shadow simply leers at them both, seeming to rather enjoy an addition to the proverbial party. ) Just a … kind of intervention, I guess you could say. I've got some issues that I have to work out with … myself.
You're not me! ( the words are out of his mouth before he can even think to stop them – and he wouldn't have, anyway – but there they are, and the shadow rolls its eyes. )
Aw, need a little more self-realization, do we?
no subject
Eithan lets Darren lean against him, even goes so far as to turn a little toward him, more of that protectiveness rising to the surface as he continues to stare down that... double, whatever he may actually be.]
Right, whatever. If you're really him, then how're you even here?
[This whole thing is a little crazy, even for him - it's certainly nothing he's ever seen before. He's trying to tread carefully, but if he has to see the pain in Darren's expression even a little bit longer, he doesn't know if he'll be able to kepe himself in check.]
no subject
darren's shadow briefly turns his full attention to eithan, tilting his head to the side in the same way a predator does when staring down its prey, contemplates it, sizes it up. his interest isn't fully in the redhead, no, it never could, but if he's going to ask questions … )
Okay, that was a little unclear … let's try again. ( it clears its throat rather theatrically, and darren just barely manages to keep a wince at bay. ) I dunno if you've noticed, but our boy here has a few deep-seated issues that he doesn't want anybody else to know about. He's kept 'em down for so long, pushed 'em and pushed 'em that if he doesn't take a load off soon, he's probably gonna explode. ( a pause, and that tilted-head turns back to darren, grin spreading once more over the line of its mouth. )
Or cry. Just like he did the morning he woke up and found Damon was gone, and every night after that for a solid fucking month because he was convinced he was coming back.
( darren is shaking, from shoulders to the floor, and his hands are clenched into tight fists at his sides, and he's biting into his lower lip hard enough now that he can taste the taint of blood. )
Not even big brother thought you were enough to stick around for. What do you think that says, when your own family abandons you?
Stop it! ( his voice cracks, breaks, and the words emerge as little more than a whisper of sound. ) Please … stop. He – he'll come back when he's ready. He promised me he – he'd never –
( his shadow tsks. ) There wasn't a thing he ever said to you that was the truth. You've thought that before, in the weeks, the months after he'd gone. Everything he said about keeping you safe, making sure you were taken care of, you called him a liar and blamed him for –
I didn't mean it. I never meant any of it. I just wanted …
( wanted him to come back. to pretend that it never happened. to pick up the broken pieces of what could never have been called a family in the first place and try to put them back together. )
no subject
Damon? Who...? But Eithan gets his answer not too long later - brother. Older brother. Just... vanished, huh? He can't even imagine - what would possess someone to do something like that? Let alone, how the hell Darren must feel about it...
Darren shouts at the double, and before he's even thought about it, an arm slides around shaking shoulders, tries to keep that small frame as steady as he can, to offer whatever support he can.
He doesn't look down at Darren - he's too afraid of giving whatever the hell this double is some sort of opening if he so much as takes his eyes off of it. He just has to hope his presence here is enough help, at least, for now. But since he's not looking away from the other Darren, you can bet your ass his glare is in full force.]
Goddess, what's the point of this? The fuck d'you even want?
no subject
oh, that's right. eithan wouldn't know anything about damon – because darren doesn't talk about him. it doesn't matter how long it's been, it still hurts just as much as it had when he'd first woken up and found him gone. it doesn't matter if he ever gets any sort of closure, which he really isn't expecting, truth be told. damon had been the one person he had put every single bit of his trust into, and having him disappear without a trace had effectively had that trust thrown back in his face like a physical slap.
he feels that arm come around his shoulders, the solid presence that eithan offers at his side, and it's only when darren finds himself trying to hide against the redhead that he realizes that everything his shadow has said up to this point is about as true as anything ever could be. there's no way he can do anything on his own. he's too scared, too small and worried about everyone else to take responsibility for his own thoughts, his own shortcomings.
but that just makes it hurt even more. )
Isn't it obvious, pretty boy? He's got some secrets. Cats that need to be let out of the bag, if you will – and oh. ( the shadow turns its yellow gaze fully on eithan, and the grin that curls the line of its mouth is both sinister and condescending at the very same time. ) Y'know he's been keeping stuff from you, too. But that's … well. He's always been too scared to tell the truth when he's too busy feeling guilty.
Shut up! ( darren is still shaking, but now his cheeks are burning bright pink and hot, both ashamed and embarrassed that all of this is coming out in front of the one person that he would never want to have seen him like this. ) Leave him alone. ( this is already bad enough … i can't – )
What, can't think about how you've been trying to ignore how guilty you feel ever since you found out he's getting married?
( there's nothing but silence. )
no subject
"Pretty boy"... he quirks both eyebrows, but says nothing, just lets the thing finish. It mentions secrets, guilt, and already, Eithan's starting to feel a little anxious - should he try to stop it from speaking? Should he let Darren handle it himself? What if that's not the right answer? He's just about to make up his mind, to try and interrupt the shadow, but...
Oh. ... About him and Val, huh?
He lets the silence stand. That's a hell of a truth. Not something admitted lightly. And though he may not really understand what exactly this double is, its intentions are cruel, and that's enough to keep Eithan entirely on his guard, no matter how worried he is about that particular little outed secret.
He sighs - the kind of sigh one gives when faced with an ending he should have seen the signs for. He steps just the slightest bit away from Darren, removes his arm from his shoulders and lets it drop beside him... but he only does all that so he can seek out the other's hand, take it in his own, fingers curling around fingers.]
I'm not worried about me. [His voice is soft - firm, and not to be ignored, but far from harsh.] Don't let it get under your skin, yeah? Doesn't matter right now. I'm not goin' anywhere, we'll talk about it later.
[Later, when there's not some yellow-eyed creature staring them down in the meanwhile. He turns his attention back to it.]
Until then, if we've gotta deal with this thing... 's your call. They're your secrets. What should we do?
[We. Not you. He hopes you realize you don't have to do this all alone, and that he'll be here for you till the end of whatever this bullshit is.]
no subject
even if it means that all of his secrets are being laid bare right before him. without even the slightest hint at stopping anytime soon.
his cheeks are burning hotly, both with shame and embarrassment, and he stares at his shadow through the film of tears that blur his vision, feeling so small, so fucking helpless that it's just one more thing to be embarrassed about now that eithan is offering to stand beside him. even as the other's hand takes his own, fingers curling around fingers, his breath catches in his throat and he almost doesn't think he has the courage to muster his next words.
but when he finally speaks up, his voice is barely more than a whisper. ) There's not gonna be anything to talk about. I can fix this. ( and to his shadow: ) You say you know me, that you know everything about me – I don't know how you do, but you're not me. I'd never … I'd never think that way about him. I don't have the right.
( darren's shadow nods, as if it had been expecting this, and it begins to shift. to change form, though it isn't as drastic as it could be. in seconds it will no longer serve as a mirror-image of himself, but boast the visage of the one that had left him behind; that tall frame, dark, reddish hair that has always seemed too long just for the fact that his brother had always hated getting it cut, dark green eyes that never looked kind, even if the boy was smiling.
damon now stands before him, and in a second one arm is lashing out and curling fingers around darren's throat, the grin the shadow had once been wearing turned into a sneer. )
Oh, but I am. ( and those fingers begin to squeeze. )
no subject
He doesn't have time to think on it much more, let alone react, before it shifts - and it grabs Darren. Anything Eithan could have said dies on the back of his tongue.]
Darren!!
[He's stuck. He has no idea what to do from here - if he attacks the shadow, will it hurt Darren, too? Does it matter if the thing's intent on killing him anyway?
Instinct kicks in, like a switch in his mind that shuts the rest of him down and brings forward something he never thought he'd have to use until faced with the Order: a single-minded intent. He only has one priority, and that is to get Darren to safety. And that means prying him away from this thing - if he can. His eyes narrow, and a growl sounds from somewhere deep in his chest, demonic in nature, like fuel for a fire.
He has no staff, so the blunt-object-to-the-head option is out. He mutters a quick spell under his breath, detonates an explosion at the creature's arm, hoping to force it to drop him.]