A smile came to her lips on Sam's behalf. Diva had a feeling he wouldn't need that much reassurance that he was a good policeman, but it made her feel oddly at ease. But the smile fell quickly.
"I felt every single one. You shouldn't have to ask that," she said quietly. It seemed like she wouldn't continue with the conversation, but after a silence, continued, "I don't know what it feels like for normal people, because I've never been normal, but I've been dying ever since I can remember. And it's the worst thing, because when I die, it's painful until I just---Everything is gone. So for however long it takes for me to come back, it's like time is just stopped, but I never know it until I come back, and that hurts too. But because I spent fifty years stuck in a tower where I was always dying, I can block it out and pretend it doesn't happen. Because, you know, when I would scream, they would just gag me or take out my vocal cords and wait for them to grow back. It always hurts, but it's not the same for me as it is for Saya. Because when Saya would get cut by my Chevalier, she would scream so loudly, and I wondered why, because I only thought it was okay to scream when something really terrible was happening, like when your legs are broken or when you're being hurt so much that your body can't keep up with healing it."
Diva laughed and smiled like it was a fond memory. "I feel everything. But they're not worth talking about, since it doesn't really matter for me, does it? That's what Amshel made me believe. If I had to kill people I liked or let people that Amshel wanted to impress do whatever they wanted with me for a night, it was fine because it'd always be fine because there aren't any marks by the time it's over. I don't need to cry or be upset about things like that, because even if I can feel it, they're not there."
She finished off her beer, looking at Gene coolly. She had lived a hard, terrible life, but she had no problem admitting any of it because of what she had just described. What she felt didn't matter as long as other people were satisfied.
"That's why Sam is so important to me. He didn't want anything from me. He was the first person to really, truly care about what I felt."
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"I felt every single one. You shouldn't have to ask that," she said quietly. It seemed like she wouldn't continue with the conversation, but after a silence, continued, "I don't know what it feels like for normal people, because I've never been normal, but I've been dying ever since I can remember. And it's the worst thing, because when I die, it's painful until I just---Everything is gone. So for however long it takes for me to come back, it's like time is just stopped, but I never know it until I come back, and that hurts too. But because I spent fifty years stuck in a tower where I was always dying, I can block it out and pretend it doesn't happen. Because, you know, when I would scream, they would just gag me or take out my vocal cords and wait for them to grow back. It always hurts, but it's not the same for me as it is for Saya. Because when Saya would get cut by my Chevalier, she would scream so loudly, and I wondered why, because I only thought it was okay to scream when something really terrible was happening, like when your legs are broken or when you're being hurt so much that your body can't keep up with healing it."
Diva laughed and smiled like it was a fond memory. "I feel everything. But they're not worth talking about, since it doesn't really matter for me, does it? That's what Amshel made me believe. If I had to kill people I liked or let people that Amshel wanted to impress do whatever they wanted with me for a night, it was fine because it'd always be fine because there aren't any marks by the time it's over. I don't need to cry or be upset about things like that, because even if I can feel it, they're not there."
She finished off her beer, looking at Gene coolly. She had lived a hard, terrible life, but she had no problem admitting any of it because of what she had just described. What she felt didn't matter as long as other people were satisfied.
"That's why Sam is so important to me. He didn't want anything from me. He was the first person to really, truly care about what I felt."